Follow the values

"Whatever it is, follow your heart." That's the way I greeted a friend who phoned me recently. I hadn't heard from him for a long time. Having guessed correctly what was on his mind, he laughed. That put him at ease and set the tone for the conversation.

Yes, it was about a romantic interest. And, yes, it's a private matter I won't discuss here, of course. However, what I will discuss is a general idea, especially one that crystalized for me during the conversation.

The general idea is this: "Follow your heart" is not really good advice. Neither is "follow your head". Both can get you into trouble. Following your heart, it's too easy to lapse into emotionalism. For example, a man who pursues a woman who has made it clear she is not interested in his advances. He ignores that pesky restraining order and keeps marching to his own emotionalist tune. Um, no. No means no, dude. Let it go.

Follow your head, then? Not really. That policy can be just as prone to errors. For example, a man who should pursue a woman who is interested but he ends up rationalizing away why he ought to make the effort in this case.

Both policies commit the same basic error—failing to look at reality. In particular, look at the values you hold and she holds. I don't mean what you say you value or what she says she values. I mean what you both actually value, what you both do on a regular basis.

Now, what would be a good example of this? Say you both say you like kids. In the course of dating, you see, if you're paying attention, that what she means by that and what you mean by it are two different things. She means she likes kids like an aunt likes her sister's kids and that's it. In contrast, you want to start a family. That's no small difference. That's a key value difference. That's a reality you must address on some level, e.g., discuss it with her, work it out or part ways. Whatever; just don't try to ignore it and assume everything will workout somehow. Blanking out is a bad policy.

What is a good policy? Follow the values. This formulation plays off the two common policies mentioned above and it plays off a now common expression known as "follow the money". What I like about this last is that it points your attention to some key aspect of reality that links to a larger picture. That's how I'm using "follow the values"—i.e., look at what your romantic interest does across time; give more weight to her actions than to her words. Think about that and tie it to broader picture that is the whole person you see.

What would be an example of this policy in action? Say I'm interested in dating a woman whose politics is significantly different from mine, which would be pretty much 99.9% of the women on the planet, be they left, center, right or whatever. How do I follow the values in this case? Well, I start with the fact that I'm less interested in a woman's political conclusions and more in how she reached them.

Is she a parrot, repeating things she has heard from others, not giving them any serious independent thought? Red flag. Is she very independent, reaching her conclusions through her own process of thought? Impressive. Far more important than the ideas you hold is how you hold them. In this case, the how reveals an active mind, a very attractive quality in my book.

Of course, if you're discussing politics a lot in your romantic relationship, and it's not even your profession, something is wrong. Are you having fun!? For example, do you go on trips together, go out dancing, go to musical performances together, trekking through woods and around lakes together, etc.? If you are, then you are not just following the values, you're wonderfully immersed in them. Enjoy!